Press release follows:
"In light of the current political climate in the United States, it has come to our attention that a significant, and currently untapped, source of alternative energy has been hiding under our noses and feet.
It was always our feeling that the current state of our nation was far afield from what the founding fathers intended, but now we have proof. While visiting the graves of our founding fathers a strange phenomena was observed. At first only perceptible as an odd humming/rumbling sound, upon closer inspection it was discovered the the Earthly remains in each grave were literally rolling over and over. In addition, when separated from their compatriots, each piece of bone continued to spin on it's own.
Our proposal is this. We will attach a series of strong neodymium magnets to the vessels containing the remains and wire coils around either side. This will form a generator which will be hooked up to the power grid and supply an almost unlimited amount of power. Why, The remains of Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin alone could power the entire eastern seaboard!
Think of the possibilities! Not only could we have a source of clean, cheap power, we could also be free from our dependence on foreign oil. Small fragments of even the lesser luminaries could be used to power trains, buses, cars and more!
The only potential problem would be if we returned to the principles upon which this country was founded.
But we don't foresee this ever happening.
Another source of energy we have discovered is in of all places, Hollywood. It has often been said that celebrities such as Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell are pompous gas bags, but who knew it was actually true? If we could gather up the two of them and their like minded brethren and tap this previously untapped resource, we could supply the entire country with natural gas for mere pennies per BTU. Simply amazing!
It has also come to our attention that is now possible to turn pig waste into oil. Our scientists theorize that this is actually the source of todays oil reserves instead of decayed plants and animals as previously thought. If we could harness our domestic pig waste and turn it into oil, the remaining market for the thick, black stuff, could be satisfied. The extracted oil could be further refined into a variety of lubricants ranging from household and automotive to a very high grade gun oil, and of course fuel. There is always the possibility of competition from middle eastern pig waste oil production, but our scientists tend to discount it's having much of an impact once we are completely self sufficient.
We here at PPG are working diligently for a greater tomorrow and, much like our founding fathers, will never rest in our mission of producing cheap, clean energy for you.
Patriot Power & Gas
For a better tomorrow!"
For a better tomorrow!"
*Actually, it is possible to turn pig waste into oil.
Inspired from a conversation I had with Jeffersonian on the way up to the Bowling Pin Shoot.